They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves to be heterosexual. Silva spoke with them for about an hour and a half each, and what he learned was pretty interesting. It provides them with their fundamental sense of self; it structures how they understand the world around them; and it influences how they codify sameness and difference.
Warning This image is graphic Tap to reveal Click to reveal. My str8 brother does the same thing i. And then, of course, there are the sorts of posts that make Craigslist one of the Moms footjobs seedier corners. I knew a straight-identifying guy once from a rural area. You're going to ruin it! BillSam jdboston : Well-said! West Virginia, which Keith had written about years ago, is still quite active. Many of my closest male friends are straight and have no problem whatsoever with my being gay because they have absolutely no interest in having sex with me or any other man.
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It's Fleet Week, that time of year when ships all dock in New York and the Big Apple is swarmed with scores of horny naval men and Marines looking for a good time.
But it's not just the men in uniform looking to take advantage. The New York Daily News just discovered that gay men post ads on Craigslist trying to woo experimental sailors. Breaking news: Gay men love a man in uniform and also enjoy hooking up on the internet. So now the NYDN is finally asking and telling about the annual tradition of posting hasty ads in Craigslist M4M section and sitting around waiting for replies that never materialize.
And then, of course, there are the sorts of posts that make Craigslist one of the Internet's seedier corners. A year-old man from the Financial District is looking for a man in uniform. A year-old from midtown west has a particular build in mind: A "totally masc[uline], discreet, athlete lacrosse, rowing , frat bro," he specifies. What would really be news is if one of these anonymous come-ons actually netted a real, live sailor.
As it happens, this story comes on the same day that Vanity Fair decided to clue their Baby Boomer readers into Grindr, the now-ubiquitous gay cruising iPhone app that ranks prospects based on proximity. The mag calls it the "world's largest and scariest gay bar". Please, VF , you don't know anything. You can't go into a real gay bar without seeing the orange and black screen light up the face of every queen with a smart phone and a vodka soda.
That's the really scary thing. The worst part of VF 's Grindr article is they question whether or not the app will work for straight people. Will you straight people please stop co-opting our fun for yourselves? While you're at it, stop telling the world all our dirty secrets. You're going to ruin it! Related Blogs.
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Buggery and the British Navy
The event is organized by New York Jacks, a group that hosts regular meetings for men to gather in relative public to do something nearly every man does in relative private. They take over Paddles on Tuesdays, and on Sundays host a meeting on the third floor of a building on West 38th Street. I first attended a New York Jacks meeting with a friend on a Tuesday a few weeks ago. What if we see someone we know? As in every fetish community, the fear of being outed as a participant in something deemed weird or pervy keeps many people, including bators, in the closet about their interests.
All things considered, mutual masturbation is pretty tame — masturbation is something most people already do, albeit alone — but the popular notion of masturbation as somehow being failed sex, the purview of lonely internet trolls, leads many would-be avid mutual masturbators to keep their sexual cards close to their chests.
Among men who have sex with men, mutual masturbation is often seen as sex-adjacent, rather than a sex act in its own right. Now we get together every few months — less regularly than a book club but more often than you see your best friend from college who lives in Washington Heights — hang out, and masturbate.
Sometimes we get a little stoned, sometimes we watch porn; afterward we usually catch up about friends or jobs or other plans. In an effort to better understand the appeal of mutual masturbation and the community that seeks it, I went looking for other men for whom jerking off together is not merely sex-adjacent, but an important part of a balanced sex life.
The New York Jacks meetup was not my first experience with public group sex. Not wanting to overcommit, I paid the single entry fee and resolved to keep an open mind about investing in my jerk-off future. On the other side of the final door, a large older man wearing a jockstrap and sneakers ripped our tickets and asked whether it was our first time. With the chipper, big-brother gentleness of a sophomore at freshman orientation, he pointed us around the space. Paddles is a long, narrow room with a bar though no alcohol is sold or permitted at NY Jacks events; instead, water and juice are offered beside a stack of small plastic cups , identified in dreamy pink neon as Whips and Licks Cafe.
At one end of the main room, a set of stairs leads to a mezzanine with a few chairs and pleathery couches; at the other, behind an 8- or 9-foot wall that separates it from the main bar, is a more dimly lit space that leads to a small room with a leather sling — which is where I ended up while looking for the bathroom. We undressed at a bench near the entrance, put our shoes back on, claim tickets tucked into our socks for safekeeping, and waded in.
Shoes and nothing else is an odd look, but the strangeness of it faded after a few minutes, and I stopped noticing. Considered alongside the rest of the weekly schedule at Paddles, the activities of New York Jacks seem pretty vanilla. The line between a kink and a fetish can be hard to distinguish, but one measure is to define a kink as a sexual proclivity, and a fetish as a necessary condition for sexual satisfaction.
Mutual masturbation can be considered a kink for many who take part in it, but for others, who identify as solosexual , this kink rises to the level of fetish: It is their preferred or exclusive method of sexual activity. Most of the men I spoke to are gay and do not identify as solosexual; mutual masturbation is simply something they enjoy among other homosexual diversions. New York Jacks is aimed at these men, most of them gay, who are interested in group masturbation — witnessing it, participating in it, and making like-minded friends.
Some men I spoke to recounted experimentations with straight friends that ranged from watching porn together to jerking each other off, and for the ones who now identify as gay, these episodes reverberate intensely.
In hindsight, many seem like meeting halfway between Do I like this? Perhaps these are the opposite poles of every sexual encounter, but walking this line is vital to learning about your own desire, a process in which cruising and other forms of semi-anonymous sex, both online and in real life, can play a major part.
One such online space is Kik, where there is at least one large private chat group of men in New York City who are into mutual masturbation. I spoke with one member of the group on Kik, a gay man in an open marriage whose husband is aware of his interests.
Mutual masturbation is about the safest sex you can have with another person, and, unlike many common sex acts between men, requires virtually no preparation. It is the base unit of casual sex among men, and lends itself to cruising and other non-bedroom rendezvous. I recognized it as a hobby that I want to share. And touch them! My own scattered, teenage experiments were furtive and secret, and made me feel a deep and long-lasting shame about my own interest. Any closet is built out of a need to hide desire; even after coming out of The Closet, the major gay one, life can contain any number of smaller closets.
Perhaps it is painfully male to get off to waving your dick around, but it's true that simply getting naked in front of someone is a huge part of the appeal of mutual masturbation and shared exposure. And that seems fine! This cult of penis-worship is on full display on BateWorld, a site that requires email registration to access. New members receive a 7-day premium membership trial to whet their appetites.
Everyone I spoke to on Kik pointed me to BateWorld as a community portal, and said men they meet on other apps often ask whether they have a BateWorld profile. Profiles are searchable, and can be filtered by location x miles from y zip code, or by city , age, penis size, sexual orientation, and even circumcision status, among several other factors.
Users can also upload public photo albums, which are often also mostly dick pics, but occasionally include faces, too. One benefit BateWorld has over actual Facebook, aside from not being a malevolent engine of back-channel personal-information sale undermining American democracy, is that friend requests include a drop-down menu of categories: Buddy, Special Buddy, Just Curious, Hottie, or Other, with a text field to clarify whatever relationship you have or wish to have.
As on Grindr, many BateWorld profiles are arrestingly frank about their interests, and in a lexicon as rich as it is specific. I am likely both too repressed and too vanilla to ever be a gooner of any distinction, but the term speaks to the existence of a community of men for whom masturbation is a serious and important aspect of their sexuality.
This insistence on the primal, the ur-male act of self-pleasure, is interesting to consider as a dividing line between mutual masturbation and sex, and the distinct kinds of relationships that surround both. Masturbation is sex with yourself; mutual masturbation is sex with yourself with other people, who are also having sex with themselves.
But voyeurism is not sex, and, in the eyes of some, neither is mutual masturbation. The impossibility of long-term, semi-sexual friendships between men and women more or less sums up all 10 seasons of Friends , and yet queer people fill their movie nights and housewarmings with old hookups and Tinder dates who they may or may not sleep with again. Either way, why turn away perfectly good companionship just because the context has changed? And yet look at me now.
My earliest sexual experiences involved mutual masturbation — at sleepovers, in someone's unchaperoned basement, or over Skype — but I have often been afraid to admit how formative I believe those early, secret explorations were to my sexual development. I lived for years in denial about what I wanted from other boys my age, or why, and chalked my interest up to the plausible deniability of anthropological curiosity.
Jerking off or talking about doing so with someone else was as close as I could get at the time to admitting same-sex desire, by labeling it simple boyish curiosity. Maybe many do, but universalizing my own desires was my only avenue to self-acceptance. A visit to New York Jacks is cashing in on the numberless adolescent hours many of us spent alone in bed, fantasizing about just such an opportunity.
The intimacy of mutual masturbation has a great deal to do with exposure, both literal and figurative: physically, in a manner more frank and explorative than most romantic-sexual ways of getting naked together, and personally, in sharing something that is not often discussed, or accepted as a kind of sexual encounter to be sought.